I Fell Off the Wagon…Again

I started this blog with the intention of sharing my weight loss story, give some tips, tricks and maybe just inspire someone. With a weight loss of 40 pounds and losing, I never thought I’d be at this day where I am now.
Fatter then before.

Yes I said the F word.  I hate it just as bad as you. The word actually makes me cringe, and automatically feel insecure. I don’t care if it’s a co-worker calling a someone a fat head, or a friend is talking about a random stranger who walked by wearing spandex that was 3x too small. I clam up, I get nervous, my stomach does a twist. I HATE that word. I once described myself as ‘thick’ and ‘curvaceous’ for an online dating profile before I met my husband. Big boned, athletic, big breasted even. but never the ‘F’ word.

See I’ve always been ‘big’. No matter what I didn’t eat, or how much I worked out I was never size 6. I would be a 9 at my smallest, and that’s with hardly eating whatsoever when I was in high school. After I started partying in my late teen years, I did gain some weight from alcohol, and then I got pregnant. My first pregnancy I used as an excuse to actually eat whatever I wanted. See I always had a love/hate relationship with food. I love it, but I hate what it did to my body. Once I got pregnant I felt like it was my excuse to eat all the foods I had the love/hate relationship with for years..and I did. See the first 6 months of my pregnancy my loser boyfriend didn’t work, neither of us had a car, and I walked my butt to work and back and wherever else I needed to go. I finally got smart and moved in with my parents and for the next 2 months I ate everything in sight.

Whoever said loosing baby weight was easy is a liar. That, or they didn’t have to go back to work 2 weeks after giving birth. My weight fluctuated 20 lbs several times in a year. Very unhealthily I would starve myself, then I would binge. This would continue and continue and each pregnancy I would gain a bit more weight to fluctuate with. My husband whom I met 7 years ago loved me the way I am, heavier, or lighter. My family accepted me, my close friends love me whether I wear a 12 or an 18. But I didn’t love me.

I finally decided to try something different, and I met with a Dr and was prescribed diet pills. Boy, was I happy! Not only did I not crave those bad foods, but I didn’t get hungry! I had energy like a junkie on crack! I was in bed at midnight, and up at 5 a.m. I was on the treadmill in the morning, and after work. I took the kids on a walk, to the park, my weight quickly disappeared. my clothes were big, I bought shorts for the first time in years. But the thing about these pills is that you’re only able to be on them 3 months at a time per Ohio state law: 3 months on, 3 months off. The first week after the first 3 months I was O.K. then I could barely manage to get myself out of bed. It felt like a work out just to get ready for work in the morning ,let alone face the day. Slowly but surely I gained nearly all the weight back. 3 months later I got back on the pills and though I still did get that ‘great’ high, they came with side effects. I started getting angry. A lot. I would snap at my kids, my husband, even my Mom. I would forget things, I became like an athlete on steroids. I was mean. My husband sat down with me and talked..he was ready to leave me because of my new crazy personality. I knew it was time to stop.

After the pills I kinda gave up on a regular healthy routine. I gained more weight, so I decided I needed to do something (again) and I joined an online weight loss support community. I ordered shakes, natural pills, food programs. I would work out every day for a month or so, then a day or two, then I wouldn’t work out for weeks. I’d eat healthy, then I would pig out on fast food and junk food. I gave up pop, and 2 months later started it back again.

I was a mess.

It seems like I couldn’t win – but with the support of a few close friends & family, and my determination, I am back on the wagon.  So I ask you, my readers, to help me stay there. So on top of my “Fitness Friday” post, I will be posting “Motivation Monday” post sharing my progress (or my failures) and keeping myself accountable to you for staying on the wagon this time around.